the military begins recruiting ‘soldiers’ before they grow out of their booster seat
four year olds have toy guns and green army men
by grade school you’ve memorized the star spangled banner and the pledge of allegiance
in middle school you’re old enough to play first person shooters set in war times. you and your friends brag about how many kills you have, what guns are your favorite
in high school, rotc comes to visit. you get letters in the mail detailing scholarship and housing opportunities you could have
and if you’re poor or unsure of your future or in love with the idea of ‘protecting your country’ like the men in call of duty
every branch of the military has a sponsored blog on here because they want everyone 13 and up to know that soldiers are heroes and they should join them
To those of you who were wondering, this is a very US-specific post. What gets done to you guys is terrifying, and it’s really unfair.
Ah yes I remember how the different military branches visited my high school at multiple times throughout the year and set up their little pull up bars and had little competitions and the strong little ones got lanyards so the recruiters could pick them out
I dont even know if you’re joking or not
We’re not
We’re really not. What’s super terrifying, that I learned in my kinetic imaging major, is that our military actually hires game designers to design video games promoting our military, and markets them to kids as young as ten or twelve. Our government made friggin reality TV shows out of taking high schoolers and teaching them about the “awesome shit” that they could do for the military. We watched one of the episodes in my Critical Media class, and it made me so physically ill that I actually had to leave the classroom and heave over the toilet while sobbing my eyes out.
This level of propaganda can and does lead to violence even amongst said children. Ask any Puerto Rican child that’s ever refused to say the “pledge of allegiance” (that’s the real name for what most kids are asked to recite every day before school starts) what happens to them exclusively via the other children who consider this blasphemy.
I took the ASVAB (an intelligence test that the military uses to see which branch you would do best in) as a joke in 10th grade to see who would score higher, myself or my boyfriend. He scored a 91, I scored a 93. The next thing I knew, I had recruiters calling my house and visiting my school. I was pulled out of class to talk to recruiters who came to my school specifically to see me. One recruiter from the Marines showed up at my house after school. When I told him that my mother wasn’t home and I wouldn’t allow him inside he tried to push open the door and said “That’s okay, she doesn’t have to be here for us to talk.” I had to tell him numerous times that I would not talk to anyone without my mother present. Then he sat in his car and waited for her to come home. Keep in mind that I am an overweight female and these recruiters were still trying to get me to sign. They were talking about special diets and training programs that would get me in shape in time for my 18th birthday so I could join. It was ridiculous. My mom said that she had never seen anything like it, and she had scored a 92 during college when she had taken it. (Then again, she had joined the Air Force almost immediately after taking the test, because that was her dream.) Shit is scary.
Oh god yes this brings back memories. I took the ASVAB on a lark to skip classes. I scored a 92 and my GOD the effort they put in to try and recruit me… This was pre 9/11 when I did it, but afterwards (post 9/11) they got WORSE. They told me whatever I wanted to do for a career they could help me but they were so PUSHY they freaked me out. I hid whenever I saw the recruiting staff on campus
I started getting a recruiter contacting me when I was 26 goddamn years old, while married to a PTSD’d out twice deployed vet.
Eventually I responded to an email with “I’m fat, asthmatic and married to a human y’all ruined so leave me the fuck alone” and he did.
At the same time he started sending my then husband letters about how they were going to call him back to service if he didn’t re-up in the National Guard (who also get deployed to the Middle East), which is actually a lie. nevertheless, my ex was terrified he’d get brought back in and burned all the letters so there’d be no record of him receiving them.
Turns out that recruiter won a bunch of awards in the state for his recruitment statistics. Interesting ways he went about it, huh?
the marines kept calling my house and mailing things to me and my little sister (who is 12) trying to get us to sign up and my mom finally had to talk on the phone to the dude and tell him that i was a chronically ill trans kid and i would not nor would i ever be joining the us military and they finally quit calling
ive also been singled out and yelled at by multiple teachers in school for refusing to stand and say the pledge of allegiance over the years, told things like i was disrespectful and was a traitor to my country and whatnot. its especially bad and military-centric in the south (i currently live in NC). If you dont live in the us, look up the words to the pledge of allegiance. its vaguely reminiscent of Nazi propaganda, and they start children saying it every day from age 5. how many 5 year olds know what they are saying and agreeing to? none of them, thats how many.
My high school required us to take the asvab. For two years afterwards I received near daily calls from the air force.
what the FUCK America??????
I thought those stupid military reserves adverts the BBC shoves down our throats were bad!
No but the dystopian hellhole gets worse. You absolutely CANNOT say anything against the military or criticize them in ANY way without running the risk of someone threatening to physically hurt you or even kill you. If you have something against the military, you keep it to yourself or next thing you know youre gonna have fifty teenage rednecks threatening to shoot you for betraying the country. No joke. This is terrifying.
The Pledge of Allegiance:
“I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, And to the Republic for which it stands, One Nation, Under God, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”
I didn’t have to look that up because I had to say it every day of school since Kindergarten.
In high school I had this incredible acting teacher. Let’s call him Mr. Bertolt. My guess would have been that he hated his job, except he’d been there for like 40 years, but who knows. Certainly he hated most of us. He had a piercing basilisk stare, never said anything that wasn’t sarcastic, and could have been any age between about 36 and 70. He invariably referred to our school as “This Institution,” an epithet whose exquisite contempt I cannot actually communicate in writing. Imagine Severus Snape with a weary, sophisticated American drawl: “Thiss ………….. innn, sti-tou shun.” Mr. Bertolt, the library doesn’t have a copy of Watchfiends and Rack Screams. “Unsurprising. The bookshelves of this….In stitution….are not precisely creaking with difficult works.” Mr. Bertolt, I can’t rehearse on Monday evenings because that’s when I tutor middle schoolers. “[Short, mirthless laugh.] Of course. God forbid I should bar anyone at This….Innstiteution….from his or her mandatory overachievement.”
On Parents’ Night, when most of the arts teachers cheerfully opened their studios so our proud helicopter parents could try out the pottery wheels and dink around on the piano, Mr. Bertolt turned his own room into an hours-long performance piece where he sat on a chair atop his table, wearing an expressionless gold papier-mâché mask and reading “Being and Nothingness.” Parents were permitted to circulate around him, but not to engage with the performance. I feel like I must have made this part up, but in my memory he was slowly making his way through a bottle of wine the whole time. He was great.
Mr. Bertolt ran the annual One-Act Play Festival, which was always fun. We’d audition without any idea of the plays he was going to choose, so getting your part was a kind of Russian Roulette. In general you’d end up with something pretty safe, but every once in a while a BULLET OF CRAZINESS would get someone right in the face, and my sophomore year that someone was me.
This is Catherine The Great. She was a legendary Empress of Russia and ruled longer than any other leader, and she did a damn good job by all accounts. People loved her, she worked hard, she was smart, and she was also one of the proudest motherfucking freaks in HISTORY. She proved to the world that just because you look a little like Lady John Lithgow does not mean you are undesirable, and just because you’re royalty does not mean you can’t be a horny goddess of filth.
There’s this rumor that Catherine’s biggest conquest was a literal goddamn horse, but historians believe that it’s just a sick rumor that some hating ass bitches made up because they were intimidated that a woman could not only be in charge of a country but of her own sexual predilections. HMM, THANK GOD TIMES HAVE CHANGED???
Anyway, Catherine used her money to finance this fuck pad room in her castle that was an homage to doin’ the nasty. Catherine’s Pinterest board must have looked like a fucking PornHub screenshot because this is what that beautiful proud slut decorated her lair with:
A chair that is so classically beautiful and…oh my damn…what in the hell..
IS THAT CHAIR SUCKING A DAMN DICK?
THAT IS THE DEVIL AND HE IS EATING A PUSSY LIKE HELLFIRE’S GONNA SHOOT OUT OF IT
YOU NOT A BAD BITCH UNLESS YOUR OFFICE CHAIR HAS A PANTALOON-LESS VULVA AIRING ITSELF OUT ON IT.
THERE ARE GIANT WANGS GROWING OUT OF GIANT CHI-CHIS HOLDING UP A CORNUCOPIA OF FINELY-CRAFTED, CLASSICAL ASS, BAROQUE ASS, ROCOCO ASS GENITALS, WITH THEIR TORRENTIAL EJACULATIONS. HOW THE FUCK YOU GONNA GO TO IKEA AFTER THIS SHIT?
I wish there were more pictures of the original pieces, but in the 50′s some uptight German Army dipshits destroyed her collection because it gave them shameful boners or something. An artist has recreated her utilitarian odes to fuck, but it is truly sad that we cultured skanks can never appreciate such high art in its original glory. Damn, Cathy. Respect.
EY FATTY BOOM BOOM 