Which Enlightenment philosopher should you fight

frederick-the-great:

Denis Diderot: You can try but in all likelihood before you can even lift your arm to punch him he will have managed to make you sit down for a coffee and you’re cracking up laughing at some insidious dirty joke he wrote in Le neveu de Rameau.

David Hume: Hume was Scottish and smarter than all Englishmen of his time. Don’t fight Hume. It’s like playing into the hands of the establishment.

Montesquieu:  On one hand you will not want to because separation and balance of powers but on the other hand, he will open his mouth and you won’t be able to stand it. Also he was a 18th century French nobleman so weak by nature, you can take him. 

Adam Smith: Look, I get it. You want to punch him. But do you really want to punch Adam Smith or you want to punch neo-liberals? Because I’m pretty sure Adam Smith would join you in punching the neo liberals.

Immanuel Kant: Again you could try but chances are Kant would convince that the only rational course of action is for you to punch yourself. 

Jean D’Alembert: You d’definitely win in a fight but first of all, why would you even want to do that?!

John Locke: I mean you can fight him and you d’win with the added bonus of traumatizing the English nation forever and ever but on the other hand have you looked at him? He looks frightened of his own shadow.

Baruch Spinoza: Do not fight Spinoza. He will destroy you. 

Voltaire: I mean you d’definitely win because Voltaire was short and thin and I get that he is so very punchable but 1- Émilie du Châtelet would come for you no matter where you hid and 2- Voltaire would write seven pamphlets and four satires against you in a week and would convince the whole world that you have as many brain cells as a sloth and you d’be the laughing stock of all Europe because everyone knows who he is. So ask yourself, is it really worth the trouble?

Rousseau: Fight him. I’ll pay you.