shoutyourporpoise:

Thinking about compulsory heterosexuality as it applies to wlw is so interesting to me because women’s heterosexuality is built on so much more than just “you must be attracted to men” because it’s often really tightly bound up with “you must be attractive to men.” And the thing is that those two things are so closely associated that they kind of become interchangeable with one another?

It’s why women who don’t put in the work needed to meet heteronormative standards of beauty are called lesbians and it’s also why some lesbians are told they’re too pretty to be lesbians because it’s assumed that if you are attractive to men then you must seek out that attraction because you like them and vice versa.

But the need to look pretty (for men, it’s implied) is reinforced on so many other levels besides that; like men will dismiss your opinions by saying you’re probably not attractive, you learn how to do makeup from this super early age, you’re told that you wont get a job unless you show up to the interview emulating a really specific type of femininity.

And eventually this becomes so automatic that you don’t even know that you’re doing it; for a long time I would meet a guy and immediately wonder if he liked my hair or if my makeup looked too overdone or if my shirt was too tight. And because attraction and a desire to be attractive were so linked in my head, I just assumed for a long time that I was more attracted to men and attracted to a lot more of them than I am. Because if I was worried about how I looked around them that must mean I was attracted to them, right?

It’s taken me a really long time to sort through that impulse, and I still reflexively do it when I meet some guys. This isn’t because I find them attractive; it’s just that I’ve grown up in a society that’s told me over and over and over again that my worth is measured in my appeal to men.