varlandgear:

some of the many things i like about vampires by sonia age 23

– very theatrical

– lots of goofy weaknesses. like come on the sun, even a baby can go out in the sun. oh shit i gotta stop and count all this rice someone threw at me. um yeah sorry i couldn’t come to your party i would have had to cross running water to get there.

– weakness to the sun increases theatricality because its like fuck it if i’m stuck in the shadows i might as well make it look like im doing it on purpose. 

– usually sad and good looking

– capes sometimes

– when someone is in a room with a vampire and the vampire is trying to be cool and then the person gets a paper cut and the vampire’s like oh fuck be cool be cool be cool dont freak out and eat them omg you’re in public BE COOL. Vampires are very embarrassing and bad at staying cool under pressure.

– vampire stories often include journalist characters. its like we gotta go interview this weird dude and find out his secrets. because vampires aren’t very good at not acting like weird dudes but they’re also all mega rich so they don’t fly under the radar. has there ever been a lois lane vs Dracula story? there could be.

– sometimes they act like old people and people are like wow that’s weird seeing as you’re a young person and the vampire’s like ha ha yeah i get that a lot

– they never drink… wine. but usually they have lots of expensive wine around anyways. 

– they don’t show up in mirrors or sometimes pictures so they have to tag the empty space where they know they were in their facebook pictures. 

– oooooh i’m a monster ooooh the pain of eternal life ooooh what have i become but then it’s like also they kind of like being vampires and then maybe they feel bad about that. Which is pretty cute. like aw i had fun with my awesome superpowers… wish i didn’t have to eat people for them :(=

– sometimes vampires DID want to be turned into vampires they were like PLEASE MAKE ME A VAMPIRE and then they were like oh shit… this sucks and the other vampire was like ha ha sucker you belong to the night now.

– count von count.